It started a year ago when he would start to say no to holding my hand, run over to daddy, and ask him to hold his hand instead.
WAIT what? What's happening?! (i would think to myself)
It seems like yesterday my little boy only wanted comforted by mommy. How could this be?
Just a few weeks ago I was in the kitchen, my son didn't know I was home, and I overheard him in the living room talking to his little sister.
"Sissy, Daddy is so much more fun than mommy, isn't she? Don't we LOVE dad days? Mommy days are boring... aren't they sis?"
To which she replied
"Yeah mommy is boring!"
So naturally, I marched my 12 year old butt (disclaimer: I am not a preteen in real life, just in my emotional age at this point), and I made myself seen to my son.
He stared at me with the fear of the Lord
And I said,
"I hope you know I was in there the whole time and that really hurt my feelings."
Just an example, of the shift we are going through with our sweet little boy.
Not all boys, but most boys hit a phase in their life where mommy is secretly still their love, but daddy. (or daddy figure).. he is now the shining star of the picture.
Its super healthy as boys are learning what it means to be "men" and looking to their dads, their grandpas, the father figures in their lives to see what it means to be a man in their little world.
I actually love it, even though it freaks me out as moments become years and I feel them slipping away...
Don't worry momma, Im not one of those who says "soak up all of these moments because you'll never have them again." I just don't believe that's true. A boys heart towards his momma is ALWAYS there. Trust me, I see it in my brothers, in my dad with his mom, in my husband with his moms and majority of grown men around me who had loving mothers.
A boys love for his momma just changes, it shifts, it grows, it hides for a bit, and it morphs into beautiful expressions in every stage.
Yesterday I reached back my hand while driving home to see if today would be one of the days that he lets me hold his hand (happens once a month haha), and it wasn't. He pushed it away, and i just said, "I love you so much buddy".
There's this thing that happens with girls and boys as they get bigger.
Some girls push away their dads as they develop and are becoming women and trying to find their space in the world and how to relate to it.
And some boys push away their moms as they learn what it looks like to be men.
Is to Be consistent in loving him where he's at.
A wise woman told me once that with her teenage sons she started reading Harry Potter, and asking them about their video games once a week (I'm pretty sure she put that on the calendar), and when I asked her "Why?" and kind of giggled she said...
"I could literally care LESS about these things, but it's what my son loves, and I love him so much and this is how I can step into this space to show him I am still here and nurture him where he is at now."
And I guess that's where I am at.
Learning how to step into my five year old- going on 25's world and meet him where he is.
He likes legos, crafts, building, deep questions, mario video games, and music... so I'll step into those spaces for now.
Knowing that if the option is there, he's always going to choose daddy to cuddle with, go to sleep with, or to play games with.
Every once in awhile I get a glimpse, when he'll lean over and kiss me on his own, or give me a big hug out of no where and tell me he loves me.... and I know my sweet babe is still in there.
But for now, I change with the season. I learn to love the laughter and excitement when we do a craft, or watch our cooking show together, or throw a ball back and forth.
Ill miss the baby cuddles, and that season, sure. But ill learn to love the one that I am in. Learning to ebb and flow with my babe, meet him where he is and learn to see what he loves so that I can show him my love through it.
Isn't that so much like Our Father in heaven anyways? We push, and pull, and glance and say I love you. We move onto new parts and passions and he follows us wherever we go, taking whatever we'll give him.
He loves us and meets us where we are at, because he's a loving parent. Watching us grow and relating to us where we are at, in the season we are in, with his love in what interests us.
He's a really good dad.
And Im learning what it means to be a mom, that looks like him.