He could have stopped it,
But He didn't.
Trust me when I say these are words that I have dwelled on over and over again.
Typically I reserve this blog to filter out some aspects of my story, that truly are just painful to re-encounter.
But today is different.
This past weekend The Nest had the privilege of leading a breakout session at a women's conference all about hope.
In our session we talked about how our specific experiences shape who we are as moms, and our voice inside.
In all honesty, one very specific and painful experience is still shaping who I am as a mom, and as a woman. And today, I share that with you.
Birthing Hylan, 1.5 years ago, changed me forever.
To be honest, I wonder frequently what could have changed my outcome.
I gave birth to Hylan naturally.
I never was a huge "i am going to birth my child naturally" advocate, nor did I really care too much before I was pregnant, but as I was pregnant... I prayed about if this was something I should consider.
And I felt that I should, to be honest I can't really explain why.. other than the fact that I think God had this in his plan all along for me.
I gave birth.
And then I was supposed to be basking in the "high of natural child birth" and the "beauty of my body running this marathon and completing it" when my entire perspective of trusting in myself changed. The whole idea of "your body was made to do this" flipped before my eyes.
My body did things I didn't know it could.
Through the delivery of my placenta, I experienced uterine inversion... which I am sure you have heard me mention through passing, sharing my story in person, or through this blog.
DISCLAIMER: DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE PREGNANT AND HAVE FEARS WITH CHILDBIRTH/ OR ARE VERY SENSITIVE TO TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES. THIS IS A VERY VERY RARE HAPPENING. DO NOT HAVE FEAR THAT THIS WILL BE YOUR STORY.
What I fail to mention sometimes is the absolute utter agony and disgusting pain that I experienced in that hour of my life.
In two seconds what was utter bliss of holding my child, became utter chaos and pain as 20 people rushed into my birthing room, and my son was taken from my arms.
My husband and friend Caley held my arms as hard as they could down on the table, as I fought and screamed, praying over me as a grown man had to force his fist to replace my uterus, and hold it until it stopped falling down and out of me.
This all sucks.
And sucks even more because I had no pain medication, and just had endured a 24 hour labor, and a natural birth.
no pain medication.
meaning i could feel the absolute worst pain i could ever imagine feeling.
The pain of my uterus disconnecting from my body, and falling out.
And the pain of a human trying to manual replace it up near my diaphragm.
The kind where I cried out to God with the loudest voice that I could to take me.
The kind where I begged my doctor to put me under, to do anything to stop the pain.
The pain that I felt... I only can describe as barbaric.
I would never wish it on my worst enemy
Now, as I have met with specialized doctors, I have learnt that there were many things that could have been done differently to reduce the pain and trauma of this experience for me. No pulling on the cord, Amnesia inducing medicine to forget the pain of the event, and a blood transfusion to be able to then go into the OR to replace the uterus without me feeling it. Those would have been nice,
But this was not the case in my story.
The thing I constantly recount in my head through the healing process in dealing with this... is that God.. the maker of the universe, all knowing, all loving, and the God that I have dedicated my life to... Could have stopped it.
He could have stopped it.
He could have prevented it.
And he didn't.
How often do I see this scenario, this question play out?
Far too often.
The loss of a child, miscarriage, the abandonment of a son, the abuse and neglect of another.
And one can only ask the question why?
In my specific case... the only thing that I can tell you I have found to know is true is this fact and staple to which I hold my life and faith.
GOD IS AT WORK IN THE MESS,
IN WAYS THAT WE CANNOT FATHOM.
I could have never fathomed that by allowing me to go through the physical pain and trauma of uterine inversion naturally, I would then experience PTSD, PPD, and PPA.
I could have never have fathomed where that would bring me.
To this place of understanding in the suffering.
To this place of understanding who the God I serve truly is.
To the starting of The Mother's Nest.
Or even the realization for the need.
To the reality that he allows some things, to then allow even greater things to benefit his kingdom.
To the reality that a life following him is not exempt from a life of suffering,
and to the beauty that comes from suffering, from strength, and from courage.
"I myself have never had the ultimate loss of life, but have been in the thick of the fear of it " - A quote from Matt Chandler that I heavily resonate with.
Why do I write this?
Im not even sure.
To be honest, I just pray that it doesn't strike fear in those who read it, but hope which has radically changed and gave meaning to my life.
Hope to resonate with those who are suffering. With those who have lost. With those who do have the "I never thought it would look like this" life.
To those who have followed him, and just don't understand, why he allowed this to happen to them.
To tell you that there is a bigger story that your story is a part of.
To tell you that you have never been forgotten.
That your pain is not little, or unmanageable for the one who allowed it to happen.
To remind you that God is not thrown off by your pain,
or threatened by your anger and questions.
To tell you that he is holding you in the midst of it.
To show you that through my story of pain and suffering, God brought so much beauty. So much hope. So much purpose, and so much glory to his name.
He allowed me to suffer physically, yes. But he allowed it for a purpose that was bigger than me.
A purpose that is only understood, and fully comprehended... to him.
To tell you that I am no where near "healed" completely from the trauma and suffering I went through.
To be honest, the fear is still very real and alive in me thinking about the future, and for possible babies/ births to come.
I'm here to tell you..
He could have stopped it.
But he didn't.
And to be honest, I don't know who or where I would be, if he did.
If you put me back in that place of suffering, I don't think I could endure it again,
But I am grateful that my God is a redeemer.
And I cling to the hope that I Have in him.
The healing of this pain has made me who I am.
It has refined my faith in the one who made me.
It has given depth to the questions I have about life, suffering, and truth.
It is shaping my voice.
the voice that is shaping who I am as a mom.
As a wife.
As a person.
And for this,
I am grateful.
Romans 5: 3-5
" 3Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."