One of the things our Pastor, Jacob Ley said yesterday was:
"We are redeemed. We need to continually remind ourselves of what God has done for us. The more we remove ourselves from that, we will forget to give him glory, and no longer spread the gospel."
and as I am reminded this morning of the sheer.. how do I put this.. bizarreness of my life.. I cant help but share what God has done in my life, as he has woven his faithfulness through everything I am, and everything I do.
THERE ARE TWO DISTINCT MOMENTS:
There are two distinct moments in my life, that changed me forever.
Two very distinct moments in time, 5 years apart from each other... where the world stopped.
Where time literally stood still for me.
Where I felt God's presence, like nothing I could ever explain.
Where there was NO ONE ELSE surrounding me, but the quiet stillness of him.
In college, my freshman year, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, turned away from my ultimate source of comfort, alcohol and drugs, and was struggling. I considered suicide to the point of communicating it to my friends.
The rest feels like a dream.
The police came into my dorm room.
Asked me if I overdosed.
They escorted me down the hallways.
Everyone watching me.
I wondered how my life got to this point?
Once I stopped masking myself, I realized I was completely broken.
up until that point in my life, I had known Christ when I was younger, walked COMPLETELY away from him, filled my heart, my mind, my life with every "numbing" substance I could... and just was so. empty.
I was taken to a facility. Couldn't tell you what it was, the face of the person who talked to me, or a word that was said.
Except for the darkness of the sky, I remember the darkness of the sky.
The stillness of the room I sat in,
and time which felt like an eternity.
Like I said, time stood still.
I looked out the window to the right, and I will NEVER forget the feeling I had.
The feeling of surrender.
the sheer weight lifted off of my shoulders.
Realization I could no longer do this on my own.
Hating the person that I was.
The ugly human I had become.
The things I had done, that no one had known.
The person I had let myself become.
I let it all go.
I gave it to God with a simple prayer.
God. IM done. this is my rock bottom. I need you.
And that simple prayer, changed my life.
From then on, my life was propelled forward into a swarm and sea of absolute insanity (i like to call it ;)).
From working at a summer camp, to dropping out of college, to moving accross the world, being trained in missions, traveling the world, leading teams, falling in love with Africa, falling in love with my now husband, gaining full custody of our two teenage brothers, getting married, having a child 2.5 seconds later... it was an absolute whirlwind of amazingness.
A whirlwind of redemption.
Woven throughout my story God redeemed the depths of my heart.
Time stood still the day I gave birth to my son.
A story you may be more familiar with.
A story of redemption I never saw coming.
The one that propelled this amazing thing called The Mother's Nest.
After birthing him, experiencing birth trauma through uterine inversion, and begging for my life to be taken, or for God to save me.. for the physical pain I was experiencing was indescribable.
I had another moment.
One where time stood still.
And everything quieted.
Even my own voice screaming.
The voices of my doula, mom and husband praying over me.
And of nurses and doctors.
I was on the verge (now told) of going into shock.
In that moment. Everything quieted. And I had the most clear thought I had ever had in my life, one that was like I was talking to my heavenly father right in front of me.
"Please God, please do not let that be the last time I hold my son"
And my body gained strength.
I didnt go into shock.
I came to.
My body fought harder.
And the procedure was done.
the medicine took.
the torture, trauma, and aftermath, was over.
and a redemption took place in me that I have never known possible.
A wise friend once told me "you will know God through becoming a mother more than you ever have before".
Can I say, that I agree with her with everything inside of me?
The depth of strength he gives us, the ways are lives are literally knit to glorify his story. The way that redemption is never ending, and revealed only in the right time.
It is so beautiful.
And I am so grateful for my birth experience.
Because even though the aftermath of Post partum depression & PTSD were so hard... it has shaped me into who I am, and I wouldn't change it if I could.
It has allowed me to see a fragility of life I never knew before.
The true blessing it is to enjoy it.
And the shortness that it really is.
The pointlessness of a day spent without him.
Or without living out his calling for our lives.
The reality that we aren't called to "be happy" as america tells us, but to live as Christ, serving, sacrificing, and telling of the truth.
Those are my moments.
The ones that shaped my entire life.
The ones that will continue to shape me.
The ones I will ask God about in heaven.
The peace you guys,
The utter peace in those moments.
Unmistakeable that in my two most broken moments yet alive on this earth, God was here, with me, in every form.
And thats me.
Thats where I came from.
This is what compels me to do what I do.
Because of the love that Christ has showed me first.
The fact that one, I could not be here even writing to you...
But very much so that I don't even deserve to be here.
I am just grateful.
And will continue to share the message of my redeemer, and friend, for the rest of my life.
I continue to rejoice.
If you are interested in learning more about Christ, who he is, and what he has done for YOU in your life... Message me. I'd love to meet up and talk more with you!