THIS song, has been on repeat in my head since yesterday... and I have officially coined it as "my song" for the next 6 months until this baby is born.
The lyrics that my soul clings to are:
"Give me faith,
To trust what you say.
That you're good,
and you're love is great.---
I may be weak,
but your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail,
But my God you never will."
For those of you who know my personal story & journey of having Hylan (our son who is now two) know that I went through a near-death experience after birthing him, and suffered from PTSD, Post Partum Depression & Anxiety. Those are just words to some, but to me they still hold residual effects & so.much.pain. attached to them.
Through those 2 years of healing with counseling, medication & so much prayer, love & support from those around me.. I was in a great place of understanding the inevitable questions of "why?" and "how?" and "why me?"
... and then we got pregnant again.
I personally didn't expect and of those questions, or flashbacks, or re-traumatization to happen until closer to birth.. and even after birth with this one.
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks in the beginning of this pregnancy.
The feelings of fear that were crippling.
The feelings of doubt in myself.
The questions I hadn't asked in a long time were playing on repeat.. "Is God actually Good? Does he actually give good gifts to his children? Or do they come wrapped in packages of suffering & turmoil?"
I always promised to be honest with you.... ;)
So thats been my journey of the past 12 weeks.
Not necessarily knowing the answer, or the outcome for this birth & baby.
Hearing all around me "it will be different, and it will be GREAT!"
which makes a part of my heart hurt because yes, no matter what it WILL be different.
BUT NO, no one can ever guarantee the outcome. If i learned anything the first time.. it was that I am very much inside God's will. and ONLY HE can know the future.
So heres my song.
"give me faith
to TRUST what you say.
That youre GOOD
and Youre love is GREAT.
MY FLESH MAY FAIL
but MY GOD YOU NEVER WILL."
Here's the reality of being a Christian, for those of you who are.. or maybe who aren't & are in the sea swarming of wondering about the Christian faith when there are so many BLOGS and churches saying and doing different things. preaching & never following up with their actions.
Our faith. Doesn't come from within ourselves.
There is a point... where it is only received from God alone.
and if you haven't hit that point in your life yet.
I have been at that point.
I didn't need supernatural faith when I wasn't pregnant to believe that I was going to be alive & healed & grateful.
BUT I DO need that supernatural faith right now.
In the very midst of my journey 13 weeks pregnant.
To believe that God is GOOD.
That he gives GOOD GIFTS to his children.
THAT EVEN IF MY FLESH FAILS, he is still good.
And his purpose is always going to prevail.
So it brings me to the practicality of this. HOW DO WE WORK OUT OUR FAITH TO REMAIN FULL OF FAITH When we feel we have none?
WE PRACTICE GRATITUDE.
So I started off this morning with my "grateful" list.
I encourage you to start yours off the same way.
Thank you for allowing me to be alive
Thank you for giving us Bryce & Logan and all they have taught us
Thank you for my amazing husband
Thank you for my precious Son
Thank you for rescuing me from the darkness of depression so many times
Thank you for The Mother's Nest & allowing me to work where my heart thrives
Thank you for this baby. This baby who is unknown to me & the entire future wrapped with it... but known & foretold by you.
Thank you for being a redeemer.
Thank you for going before me.
Thank you for putting a longing in my heart for eternity with you.
Thank you for loving me".
What's your list this morning?
Would you start off this "Open Monday" with me by counting & NAMING the things you are grateful for?
The things that have impacted your life forever?
FOR THOSE OF YOU....
For those of you today who are struggling to have faith.. for whatever that journey may look like.
I just want you to know, that you are not alone.
We can always tap into the infinite amount of Faith that God allows his children to have... we only need to ask for it, and believe that he will answer us, in HIS timing.
The struggle is real & it is the working out of our salvation... and you are not alone in it.
FAITH is not something that we are born with. Its something that we learn to cultivate & grow in through all the trials & seasons of life.