... Because they need me.
"Your baby needs you now. Also, your baby's small body doesn't make it easy for her because, at this point, she is unable to stretch out her arms to you. She cannot turn to you and cannot do much more than let you know that she needs you with her voice & body language."
^^^ that is what my "wonder weeks" app said to me yesterday as Reyna girl made her first "leap" in mental development.
I got teary eyed laying down next to Brandon as we got ready for bed last night... and asked...
"Can I tell you how I feel about something?"
From there.. I went on to explain the struggle that I am having with being a working mom... from home, especially when I am used to a pretty set schedule going "in" to work. Having very strict and tangible boundaries when it came to the roles I was fulfilling... "mom", "wife", "CEO of The Mother's Nest".... and now they are all blurred.
For the past few months it has kept coming up. Through the confirmation of taking away a salary that I had received at the nest, cutting down hours, losing two babysitters... and then to having this sweet little girl who not only do I HATE parting with.. but she doesn't love it either.
"Be home with your babies more"
... uhm. if you knew me before I had Reyna girl.. it wasn't my cup of tea to be home more than 2 days in a row. Not only am I a do-er to the max.. but I also LOVE working, i LOVE my job.. and I LOVE having a break from my toddler (yes. I just said all of those out loud.. and I don't feel guilty about it ;))
But now, Over, and over again in my spirit I keep feeling this tug to say no to things... and say yes to these little humans that look at me like I am the best thing in the world.
It all started a few weeks ago when after watching THIS video I asked Hylan.. "if you could have dinner with anyone in the world who would it be?" ...
Where I started to see a little bit more of how he views me as his mommy.
Then I would leave after weeks of maternity leave being home & with him 24/7.. for a "meeting" (Aka getting coffee with a friend and me escaping for 2.5 seconds).. he would cry and say
"Mommy I am going to miss you SO much when you are gone"
and then the sheer THRILL of going on dates with JUST me, the calmness in my daughters body as she struggled & fussed in someone else's arms.. and pure relaxation with just the swipe of my hand on their cheek.
That I am re-coming to this realization.
I am their mom.
I am the best thing that has ever happened to them.
HAHAHAH Brandon just silently punched me in the face through the computer....
But really. I get frustrated with my toddler after 2.5 minutes of being awake most mornings... and he NEVER gets sick of or frustrated with me.
He simply just wants me... all the time.
And my baby girl?
Not only do I have the milky goods... but she was PART of me. She LIVED in me. and now... all she wants is all of me. For comfort, for food, for security, for nurturing.
And instead of this overwhelming me...
or threatening whatever "independence" I may have had left.
Or any identity I was holding onto that was separate from being their mommy
Now... I just rest in it.
I'm their mom.
Not only do they want as much of me that they can have,
I also want as much of THEM that I can have.
Because they NEED me right now.
What a beautiful thing. To be granted to raise and nourish other little humans souls.
To be needed and wanted regardless of a circumstance, or an attitude you have that day.
In that pure abandoned love & admiration that they have for you.
And now.. as I slowly try to figure out this new rhythm as a "work from home" "stay at home" mom.. I am going to play this over and over again in my head, because this season looks nothing like it did before.
And the minute I realized that.. was the minute it became Okay.
Okay to be needed.
Okay to want to be needed.
And okay to say no to things.
So that I can look at these two little faces...