Miscarriage. - By Courtney Cooper
As I sit in this waiting room, you are consuming my every thought and emotion.
I find myself asking Why me? Why my baby? What did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me again?
After working so hard to try and move forward from our first encounter, I finally felt like I was at peace with you, and here you are again.
Two and a half years ago you walked into my life for the first time. You brought with you more emotions than I had ever thought possible in one breath. You left me feeling scared, lonely, depressed, sad, angry, and so much more. You brought forth the biggest challenge that I had ever yet to face. You almost won and succeeded in crushing my faith, but I beat you and I moved forward.
The daughter that I once feared I would never have has shown me more in one year than I could have ever hoped for. She has shown me that there can still be happiness after going through something so absolutely heartbreaking.
She has shown me to never lose faith in god and the plan that he has for me. She has shown me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and to continue to fight and persevere, because you never know what tomorrow may bring.
But now miscarriage, you are back and I am back here in this darkness that you bring.
I am back here asking myself all the questions a woman going through a miscarriage asks herself.
In this moment I remind myself that this to shall pass, even though it feels like it won't. Even though it feels like I will never smile or laugh or ever rid this pain I'm feeling.
Every woman's situation is different.
Every woman has a story of her own. But every woman deserves to know she is not alone, that this is not her fault, that there is no right or wrong way to feel or handle this, and that there are so many people out there feeling the same exact way.
So to the woman...
who wasn't far enough along to have an ultrasound. It's ok to keep those positive pregnancy tests until you're ready to throw them away. It's the only physical memory of your baby that you have left.
To the woman who was bleeding but is still getting positive pregnancy tests. It's ok to be scared and confused.
To the woman whose friends and family keep saying things like "when are you going to have kids" or "when are you going to have another one." It's ok to tell them it's not up for discussion and stand firm in that.
To the woman whose friends and family are saying things like "well at least you know you can get pregnant" or "at least you have your son and/or daughter" or at least you weren't that far along." There is no "at least" about it.
To the woman who had her pregnancy announcement planned and ready to share because she was almost in the "safe zone." Save that announcement. It is a memory of your child and that is something to cherish and hold as a keepsake of them.
To the woman who is reminded of her loss every time she goes to the bathroom because she just won't stop bleeding. I promise you that the bleeding will stop and you wont dread going to the bathroom anymore.
To the woman who finds herself suddenly surrounded by pregnant women and babies. It's ok to fake that smile yet feel envy inside. To the woman who can't understand how her husband is holding it together so well or why he doesn't seem sad. He's hurting inside and just as disappointed as you are, he's just trying to be strong for you.
To the woman who keeps questioning herself and wondering what she could have done differently. This is not in any way shape or form a result of something that you did wrong.
To the woman who feels silly for spending 50 dollars on pregnancy tests because she didn't have the patience to wait until her missed period. A price tag could never be placed on the joy you felt when you saw that positive line for the first time.
To the woman who has had 4 pregnancies, but no baby that's gotten the chance to stay here with her. You are a mom of 4 beautiful angels in heaven.
To the woman who just wants to give up and be done trying because she never wants to go through this pain again. I know you feel this way now, and you may for a long time.
Don't underestimate how strong you are.
You WILL get through this and want to try again. And to all the women who have suffered such a big loss.