Yes.. I admit it, I was acting like a child.
Saturday morning I just couldn't get out of the funk. I couldn't seem to make myself move, do ANYTHING, or willingly acknowledge joy in the day.
It just wasn't happening.
So I went upstairs, and literally HID. UNDER. THE. COVERS.
like a three year old.
And then my ACTUAL three year old.. came up shortly after me.
At first, he thought I was playing a game, started laughing & said "oh look, mommy is hiding! Can I hide with you momma?"
"Buddy, mommy just needs a moment. I'm sad and I need a moment".
Truth is, I was overwhelmed. I was in a funk. Everything seemed to be piled up from laundry, lack of groceries, work load, and... my emotions.
A few tears streamed, and immediately my PRECIOUS little feeler started to cry.
I think what makes me MOST emotional about those days, is that I still have this "innate" sense in me that wants to be strong. The sense that hates crying, and that wants to "get over it" without ever working through the emotion.
Fast forward to Sunday morning.
I got up, went to church, and refused to let the day get me like that again.
I wasn't going to let it own me, I was going to OWN it.
And I did.
It was all good and dandy.. and I almost forgot about my toddler tantrum (of my own) until bedtime last night...
As I lay my little guy down to sleep, he covers his eyes with both of his hands, and starts whimpering.
"Buddy.. what are you doing?"
"Im hiding from you mommy.. because I am sad."
And then it hit me.
My natural (can I go ahead and say our?) instinct is to run and hide when I am overcome with emotion. To pull up the covers, shield myself from the judgment.. and stay there until I can muster up the strength to come out, move on, and live fully again.
But what am I teaching my little mini-me's in the process?
"bud... you NEVER have to hide from mommy with your emotions, you can always be yourself, and always be real with me"
Parenting 101. taken from my son.
Its okay to be ME in front of him.
Because if I am never okay with being ME, in the good days & the bad days... how will they EVER learn to be them? How will they ever feel comfortable to come to me after a breakup in high school, or a crush unrequited? How will they feel comfortable to vent to me their frustrations of the day.. if I never seem comfortable in my own skin.. or they find me hiding from the world encapsulated in my own emotion?
So mommas, as I started out this week. I just made a pact.
Not to "seem to be strong"
or to "seem like I have it all together"
because the truth is, I kind of feel like I'm drowning as I am trying to re-find my footing as momma of 2, two teenagers gone & out of my house (cue ALL the tears), and full time working again.
But I carry on, I push the re-start button when it all seems a little overwhelming. I dive into God's word which refreshes my soul, and I cry it out when I need to. I dont let the wave of emotion burry me, but rather ride WITH the waves of it... because I don't want to be the mom that was engulfed by the ocean, but the mom who surfed the waves (theoretically of course.. dont get any ideas brandon), fell multiple times, but GOT. BACK. UP. AGAIN.
Let's be those people for our kids.
The kind who get back up again.
The kind who aren't afraid to fall.
Even if it's in front of them.